dear comrades

dear comrades,

 

please don't scream if you see me on cctv.   at least it's not a porn flick!

dear comrades,

 

Please don't scream if you recognize me on the street. I don't know you.

 

My italian friend L learns half of his Chinese at the infamous gay cruising park -- DongDang Park, near Wangfujin.  I've known about this park for many years, especially since the release of the first Chinese gay movie "East Palace, West Palace", which supposedly took place here.  But this is the first time I came here.  Nowadays people cruise the net or hit the night clubs,  cruising in the park or public toilets are just so out of fashion ----free and laborious activities are out of fashion all together.

 

I came to the park to meet with L for dinner, also out of curiosity. It was surprisingly small and neat, equiped with newly installed exercise machines which are painted bright red, yellow and....pink.  very pink.  There was an artificial hill to my right, looking very much like the one in the movie even though I saw that movie 10 years ago.  As I walked along the path curved around the hill looking for L, I noticed some guy standing under a leafless tree, smiling down at me.  Oh this is so not my cup of tea.

 

L was sitting on a bench with a 3 or 4 guys sitting and standing around him.  Actually he was sitting on someone's lap, holding his Chinese text book and had a big smile on his face. Apparently he's very popular here.  The Chinese guys were poking fun at L's pronunciation,  tricking him into saying "MaBi", which actually translates into "Mother's Pussy".  As a gay Chinese who cruises the net and pays weekly visits to the clubs this is too real for me.  So I smiled and walked away to investigate those exercise machines, leaving L to his admirers.

 

It was getting dark and quite chilly, L finally decided it's time for dinner. To my horror, he invited 2 guys to join us.  Not only that, he insisted going to a Sichuan snack place across street. I've grown very sick and tired of these dirty greasy small eateries, but who am I to argue with L and his friends.

 

So we ended up in this little restaurant with a generic name: "Chongqing Snack".  We ordered drinks and simple dishes. 

 

One guy is young, in his early twenties and was quite talkative.  L would say something in Chinese and he would repeat it to the waitress or the other guy, acting as a Chinese to Chinese translator. I soon started to like his personality. 

 

The other guy is older, I would say in his late thirties. His hair was pushed back and glued together in a strange shape but looked strong enough to withstand any sandstorm. He didn't speak much, only answered questions when asked.  He always had to think for a moment before committing to an answer, no matter how trivial the question was, as if he was a diplomat being interviewed at a tricky international conference.  He smiled elegantly with closed lips when he was not speaking.  For budda's sake he was just cruising the Dongdong park on a cold spring afternoon...was it because L is a foreigner and he felt the obligation to look civilized and dignified?

 

He had on a pair of dark framed glasses.  There's a big Armani trademark on it but no doubt they're knock-offs.  They looked weird on him, especially with the hair --- some things just don't go together. 

 

L asked to see the glasses, and at the same moment I realized that they're just frames.  This guy was wearing a pair of glasses without lenses.   

 

L asked why, his answer was: "My boss asked us to."

 

He's a hair dresser.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was chatting with S on MSN and somehow this topic came up: when was the last time you cried?

 

I couldn't remember when was the last time I cried in real life, but I do remember last time I cried in dreams. I was traveling with my dad and my step mom in thailand.  I took them to the beaches and we stayed at modest but nice resorts. We usually played in the water during the day, went back to the hotel room to take a nap in the afternoon till dust and then headed out to the beach again for candle light dinners.  It was so nice and I couldn't help thinking that I would never be able to treat my mom like this.  She passed away almost 20 years ago.

 

I had a dream one afternoon while taking a nap in the hotel room, couldn't remember any details except that I was saying good bye to her.  For some reason we both knew it was forever,  we hugged for the last time, and I cried.

dear comrades,

 

Please don't scream if you see me naked, you're just plain lucky.

 

It's only been 4 days but I have already made friends with the Thai guy that I saw at the gym. I invited him to my apartment last night for a drink but he only asked for a glass of warm water once he got here.  He's actually quite sweet, better looking when dressed and very shy,  the warm water seemed to open him up as effectively as a bottle of wine.  So he told me his life story:  he's living   with his Chinese boyfriend in the building right next to mine.  His boyfriend apparently supports him because he doesn't work at all.  He doesn't go to school either.  He told me in broken english how he tried for 2 days:" it sooo far!  I hat to get up at 6 thirty!"

 

So he doesn't work, doesn't go to school, and had lived in Beijing for 3 years.  Rarely goes to clubs, because his boyfriend gets jeolous. But he told me he's actually very busy: from monday to friday when hubby goes to work, he plays cards with his thai friends in the apt complex.  (There are quite a few thais in this neighborhood, mostly girls married to expats.) When hubby gets home, they'll have dinner together prepared by Ayi, and would sometimes go to the gym to play pingpong. He learned the chinese national sport from his hubby.  On weekends they would go shopping and cook dinner themselves because Ayi takes weekends off.  Sometimes they would invite friends for more card playing.

 

I invited him to come to my housewarming party this saturday, he said he couldn't because he's heading back to Thailand this friday. His boyfriend's mother is returning to stay with the son from New Zealand for a month or 2.  Even though she knows about them it's just not a good idea to live with your mother-in-law, especially when you can't produce a grandson!  He misses thailand very much anyway.

 

I know this is a boring piece, but it might be inspirational for my friend Denny.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear comrades,

 

Please don't scream if a hot naked smooth hunk grabbed you in the shower when you were only trying to pick up your fragrant soap, because you must be dreaming and you'll only wake yourself up.

 

So I went to the gym again tonight, this time after 9.  Did the same routine, swam for 5 minutes and hit the sauna.  But apprarrently at this hour the gym has slid into a middle-age-chinese-men-humming-in-the-shower phase from its previous shameless-gay-cruising phase.  The hot naked norwegian guy is nowhere to be seen, and not even a single blond or tattooed asian!  All there is are a couple out-of-shape chinese leaders parading around, of course naked, so comfortable in their pale skin they had to hum:

 

we're Siiiiting highhhh...on top of the piled haysacks

liiiistening to mama...telling an oooooold stooooory....

 

not without a pinch of trueful melancholy nostalgia, in this windowless underground gym, at a lonesome hour.

 

one a separate note:

 

Dear comrades,

 

Please don't scream if you see your own naked body in the mirror.

 

So I went to the gym in the club house again tonight.  Swam for about 10 minutes and hit the sauna. Dry sauna was empty, I went in with my wet swim trunks. Just before I got in, this blond-hair-asian-face guy threw a hard look at me as he passed the door.   I knew I was cruised, got kinda excited not because of the guy, but the cruising itself. I felt like home again for a few minutes --- gyms are supposed to be cruisy, it's heart-warming to know that even in Beijing it's not an exception.  Swimming pool, sauna, locker rooms, peeks in the shower.  All the familiar rituals.

 

The blond guy came into the sauna too after a short while and sat right next to me, in his shorts. He kept looking at me boldly, but never said a word. I returned a few looks but couldn't figure out what he is.  I wasn't even sure if he is asian although he could pass for a korean or japanese guy ---they love to dye their hair into a dirty blond.  At any rate, he is NOT attractive, so I kept to myself, enjoying the dry heat.

 

He got out. 

 

In came a naked guy. I saw him the first time I was here.  He's probably norweigian, muscular body, shaved head and very smooth body. Like first time I saw him, he seemed very comfortable naked, sitting down facing the entrance.

 

The blond asian came back. Naked this time and again sat next to me, blocking my view of the hot norweigian guy. 

 

I got out and went to the steam room.  Steam hissing quitely, moist thick and soothing, I had the room all to myself......but the blond asian had to come in again, and stand right next to me, this time with a half erection. 

 

I had to break the silence and asked in English: "Where're you from?"

 

He replied in English: "China. Are you Chinese too?"

 

"Yes." I swtiched to Chinese.

 

So we exchanged a few pleasantries but it didn't seem to kill it for him.  So I waited a little while, smiled at him and went out.  Just before I left, another naked asian guy came in.   He's got a southeast asian look, either vietnamese or thai but more on the ugly side.  Tanned body, inked.

 

What's with all these nakedness?!  Are these people really brave or have I become a prude staying in the US for too long, now ashamed of my body?   I don't know about the norweigian guy but the other 2 asian guys are obviously gay.  So it's a norm for them to cruise in nude, get aroused without any cover in a public gym?  What a sick twisted world this is and I must say I have to investigate more by coming here more often.

 

Special agent reporting from Beijing,

comrade chen

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear comrades,

 

Please don't scream when you're asleep, it'll only wake yourself up.

 

Eileen Chang, as we darlingly call her Granny Chang, has long been a favorite among Chinese gay readers, but now matter how popular she has become in the past 20 years, her fame never really reached beyond Chinese readers. 

 

This is going to change soon. Her stardom is expected to enlighten the shadowy corners of gay movie-goers in western countries, or at the least, western country.  As  Mr. Brokeback Ang Lee, the latest hero of gay cowboys, recently announced that his next project with Focus studio will be a feature film adapted from Eileen Chang's short fiction "Lust, Caution". 

 

Spoiler alert starts----In case you haven't read it, the story is about a big breasted cantonese girl's failed attempt as a femme fatale. Big breasted female spies might be plentiful in 007 movies, but it would never work in China.  Remember Sausage Mao taught us?  Revolution is not at all like dinning out with guests!  Big breasted women has no brain. --- Spoiler alert ends.

 

....anyhow, that's besides the point. My point is, now that Mr Ang Lee is THE most respected and expected director among gay audience, it's not unlikely that the same audiences of Brokeback Mountain, including a lot of closeted cowboys, red-necks, their admirers... and whatnot, who have never heard of Granny Chang, would go see this movie which already has a sexy title.  If Mr. Ang Lee makes a decent enough movie and manages to embed into a little x-men like gay agenda, Granny Chang may very likely become the next underground gay icon of Americaaaa!  Gay men already liked big-breasted divas anyway.

 

Dear comrades,

 

Congradulations!  You have just stumbled into my world famous,so-precious-that-I-have-not-updated-it-for-6-month" english blog! This is really wonderful. You should give yourself a warm hug since I won't be able to do that from your computer screen.

 

A lot has changed in the past 6 months. I'm no longer working on european projects.  Even my boss is relocating to London. No need to get up at 6am to catch a conference call with european office, but on the down side, no more trips to Denmark or Norway either... but then I'll be spending a lot of time in Beijing for the next 2 years, might even need to move there...kinda scary and exciting at the same time...personal life wise, still single and hanging, though I've dated, hooked up, experiemented... with various people. sometimes fun, sometimes not so fun. Still gay, but a bit tired of it.

 

Denny moved back to New Jersy after spending 3 years in so cal. Miuco went to India last November after my recommendation and she's still there, somewhere in the south, training herself in yoga.  Fuge came to visit but I happened to be in Beijing so we totally missed each other.  Rumor has it that he's finally going to publish a book or two, or three. He'll become so famous and as his friends we'll all become glorious. Hui found a new job, stable but seems boring...we watched a really silly hongkong kongfu flick together in her apartment last weekend...none of us has become millionnaires or billionnaires.

 

Dear comrades, forgive me for being a bit sentimental here.  True, destiny is starting to show its path for each of us, but as least it's not yet certain.  The rest of the chapters may suck as bad as the ones we've gone through, at least it's still an open book.  Listen to Sausage Mao's teaching:  Human beings shall prevail over destiny.  Besides, according to the fortune teller's report, I'll be rich and successful, I've got to be alive to see that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think I understand now what the so-called "india nostalgia" is. If you ask me where I'd rather be now, I'd say Varanasi without a second thought.  The pungent smell of cow dump, urine, wood burning, body melting.  The foggy mornings and evenings, the unpenetratable Ganges. The forever talkative indian locals.  Chai in a dirty cup. Lonesome travalers.  The farthest place on earth from here, the most removed culture from Chinese or American. I'd be so fascinated by it that I forget about myself, my life as ME.

Leonard Cohen is stuck in my car stereo. Ever since I put him in, I was not able to get it out. It's been more than a month now, the longest a CD had stayed in my car.

 

If I get sick and tired of radio commercials, or depressing news about political or natural disasters, I press a play button and tune to him. Strangely I never get tired of his songs.  it repeats:

 

"If I, if I have been unkind

I hope that you can just let it go by

If I, If I had been untrue

I hope you know it was never to you"

 

Still saddens me, no matter how many times I hear it.

 

Dear car stereo, please release him. I think I need something cheerful for a change.